can someone help me out here, please?

     so i need some help understanding something...i have these kids, right.  and i really do love them and am often amazed by the things they know and can do.  i actually had a really eye-opening week in reference to children.  there were two events that occurred to people that i am acquainted with that really brought home how incredibly lucky we have been.  i have all of these children, all of whom were born full term with no problems at all.  not even when i had two babies at one time did i get an extra night in the hospital out of it.  it was beyond easy for me to conceive them (haha.  you know, 'cause we were trying and all.  haha.), i never had to go through any kind of stressful, expensive, difficult procedure to get these children.  they are all smart and affectionate and polite and really good kids.  they are crazy healthy, too...a broken leg, some stitches in a lip, a few staples in a head and a few high fevers...but that's it.  that's the extent of any medical emergencies/procedures/etc. that we've had to deal with.   i am really, really lucky.  i know this.  but...
     i've mentioned that i am sometimes amazed by the things they can do.  these are children that can ride skateboards with ease and play baseball well.  they are kids that spoke before their first birthdays and could spout facts about steam engines and name all of the trains in the thomas the tank engine series along with the number of each train.  they are kids that get honors in school and teachers always report that they are "a pleasure to have in class."  they are smart kids.  i know this, too.  so what i need help understanding is this.  why. can't. they. seal. the. shower. curtain. properly?!?!?!  the boys take showers every night.  every. single. night.  the shower curtain needs to be sealed to the walls of the shower and along the bottom of the stall shower or it will leak all over the bathroom floor.  and then into the hallway.  which then drips through the ceiling in the dining room and kitchen.  this makes me very upset when it happens and i make a big. effing. deal. about it.  srsly.  i freak out.  like, last night when they did this, i totally lost it.  i yell and act like a crazy person while i line my dining room with bath towels and pots to catch the downpour.  it's not a happy time in or house, typically.
     i would think that your mom dropping a bunch of "f" notes and yelling about a big huge mess in the house would stay with a person for a day or so.  that way, when this person gets in the shower the next day, he is thinking "dude, i better seal this curtain right tonight or my mom is gonna lose her shit."  apparently, i would think wrong.  because it happened again tonight.  for real.  my boys flooded the mother effing house two nights in a row.  for real.
     so after flooding the house for two nights in a row and watching my mom lose her shit, i would think that i would totally try to avoid any activity that may get me in trouble. like, say...oh, throwing a juice box across the dining room table upon which there are two vases of fresh flowers sitting.  i'm thinking i'd want to avoid something like that.  again, i'd be wrong.  because shortly after the dining room flooding extravaganza, an entire vase of flowers was knocked over and spilled all over the table upon which everyone was eating, when a juice box was thrown from one brother to another and the trajectory was a little low.  for real.  this happened tonight, too.  srsly.  there is so much water being sopped up in my house right now, i'm considering building an arc.
     so really, i do know that i am very lucky to have these guys in my life.  and really, i would not trade any of it for anything.  i would, however, tweak the shit out of some of the decisions the boys make. especially the ones involving water.

sacrifice

     i know, as a mother, i am expected to make all kinds of sacrifices.  big ones and little ones. the big ones are pretty obvious.  we sacrifice exotic vacation locales for trips to the shore and the boardwalk.  we sacrifice a beautiful, clean car for a gigantic suv that seats all of my children comfortably.  we sacrifice a savings account for a good education and clothes that fit, etc.  the sacrifices of that nature, i'm ok with.  really, i am fine with doing those things because i really do love to see my kids have fun and enjoy themselves, so it's worth it.  oh, well, the car thing...that's not an issue of them having fun so much as i am happy to not have to take two cars everywhere we have to go, but you get the idea.
     the little sacrifices, on the other hand, well, they drive me a little nuts.  it's ridiculous, i know, but there it is.  take dinner last night for example.  i made chicken tenders and "cars" macaroni and cheese for the kids for dinner (see...that french culinary education is really paying off) and a stouffer's french bread pizza for myself.  (what?!?!  we went to the playground for awhile and i wanted something easy for dinner!)  no sooner do we sit down than katie says "can i have a taste of your pizza?"  so of course i let her and she decides she really likes it and can i share it with her.  srsly?  it's a piece of frozen pizza.  can't i just eat it by myself?!?!  needless to say, i shared it with her.  and she ate her chicken and macaroni, too.  another little sacrifice that is often made is my beverage.  jack is the KING of "can i have a sip of your drink?"  he's also the king of then finishing the entire drink.  it's constant.  but what am i going to do?  say no as he stands in front of me sweating and panting?  i don't think so.  these things happen all the time and for the most part, they don't even register with me anymore.  today though, i had a brand new experience.  thomas was allowed to have a "dress down day" for school.  he got himself dressed (with a little guidance from his dear mother, of course) in a pair of black shorts and his favorite "free hugs" t -shirt with his "cool" black dc sneakers and a pair of...wait for it...white crew socks.  srsly.  i don't even know where they came from.  the only thing i can think of is that he borrowed them from my dad or something.  it was weird.  anyway, amid all of the morning confusion, i notice the socks and tell him to change them into a pair of black ankle socks, even going so far as to tell him that there are some in my drawer if he can't find any (which, by the way, is another sacrifice.  i have to share socks with thomas when he can't find any) . the morning progresses in it's usual, peaceful, stress-free way (ha), all six of us get out of the house by about 7:20 am and as i walk to the car behind thomas, i notice something.  the big white socks he is wearing with his black sneakers.  so, in the spirit of true motherly sacrifice, i traded socks with him when we got to the car.  (and let me tell you, those white crew socks looked wicked awesome with my sneakers and leggings.  if only i had a nice gigantic fluorescent sweatshirt to go with them.) needless to say, my morning walk was delayed for a few minutes this morning so i could run home to change my socks and do away with the crew socks.  see what sacrifices i am willing to make for my children?!

i know the end is near...

     this one is about me, by the way, not my kids.  it's pretty nervy of me, i know...
 so, i know that is pretty much over for me.  for real this time.  and no...i'm not talking about the crazy failed rapture, i'm talking about for me, personally.  "how do you know this?" you might ask.  the answer...because i just wrote a letter of complaint.  really.  at this point, i might as well get a minivan and some mom jeans to wear with my sneakers and call it a day.  i. wrote. a. letter. of. complaint.  srsly.
     you see, i used to be pretty cool.  not "cool for a mom" cool or "cool for having five kids" cool.  just cool.  like "wear $300 sunglasses because i made $450 bartending on a sunday night" cool.  or "live in new york and buy really good, edgy makeup because that is what i want to do" cool.  and this is where it all begins to unravel.
     i still wear really good makeup, when i decide to actually apply makeup, that is. which, let's face it, is not that often.  sadly.  i moved to new york city to go to school in 1997 (or right around that time, at least) and fell in love with MAC makeup.  they make a really, really great product and their colors are beautiful and different, and well...cool (overuse the word, much?). see, i like girly stuff.  a lot. i love costume jewelry and fancy hair accessories and high heel shoes.  i really love playing with makeup and changing how i look.  pinup girl makeup with black liquid liner and red lips one weekend and smoky gray/silver eyeshadow with neutral lipstick the next.  i really love that stuff.  i could spend hours wandering the cosmetics counters in a department store and looking at all the fun stuff.  i really love when someone, like a salesperson at a MAC counter or in a MAC store, has really incredible makeup on.  i love to find out what they use and how they did it.  that's fun for me.  however, last week, i wandered in to a MAC store with my mother and was sadly disappointed.  the salespeople were inattentive and rude and we left without buying anything.  so disappointing.  this past weekend, i attempted to get myself a few things and found myself back in the same store, being waited on by a different salesperson who was even more rude, even a little offensive.  again, i left empty handed.
     i now see that the end is coming, because instead of being intimidated by these snotty little makeup brats, i decided to act like a...brace yourself...grown up, got annoyed and wrote a letter about it to the company's customer service department.  i'm a little worried about this new streak of common sense, honestly.  i'm wondering if it might follow through into other areas of my life and prevent me from doing things like, say, spending too much money on really impractical shoes or something.  gasp!  can you imagine the horror in that?!?!  they might as well start picking out burial plots at that point.

there once was a girl...

     so, you see, i used to be this girl who stayed at home with her lovely children and kept a fabulous blog where i posted amusing and insightful things all the time.  then, i became a student. and lost all kinds of free time.  all of these teachers want me to read and do school work and all kinds of crazy stuff like that! imagine! now, i'm on a summer break and find myself with a little bit of time and am feeling the old blog calling to me.  i mean, i'm still fabulously amusing and insightful, right?  why not spread my sunshine to the world!  ha!  in restarting the blog, i considered starting a whole new one, but then realized i can just use this one and start out with some followers right from the get go.  total win, right there.  plus, i really, truly can not think of a better name for a blog of mine.  "be careful what you wish for" should be written on my tombstone someday.  srsly.
     since i have left the blogging world, a miracle has occurred in my life.  all. five. children. are. in school. FULL. TIME. maybe you should read that again to really appreciate the awesomeness of that statement.  of course, no sooner did it happen than i started nursing school full time, but, thems the breaks, i guess.  in that time, i have also realized that my daughters were switched for gypsy children in the hospital and someone else took the sweet, obedient, mild-mannered children that i gave birth to.  oh, i should clarify that they are gypsy children that love the word "no."  to say it, not to hear it, of course.
     the girls, katie and cara, are now 4 and go to pre-k full time at the same school that thomas, 11 and jack, 7 attend.  dennis, who is 5, goes to a charter school that we are hoping the others will get in to soon.  tommy, my husband, has started a new job, as the facilities manager of a new casino, and as stated, i go to nursing school full-time.  it's a little busy here.  i'm sure you're surprised.  ha.
     it seems to be time for me to wrap this little blog-fest up...big time rush and wow wow wubbzy! are both starting right now and it's starting to get ugly here.  oh and some sort of ball just hit my front window.  good times, good times...be back soon!

i'll take notable quotables for $1000, alex...

soooo.....

i admit. i've been m.i.a. for a while.

see, i have these five kids and i decided to go back to school.

(ps - if you are new here, i used to blog all the time and follow other people's blogs and share all kinds of witticisms and then my life kinda got in the way of my blogging and i took a little, or not so little, hiatus, but i am going to try to get back in the swing of things. i swear.)

both of those things SRSLY cut in to my blogging time. srsly. but, my kids have been saying some really funny stuff lately and i thought, hey. why not share these conversational gems with the world. or at least with the 60 or so people who follow my blog. so i actually sat down and wrote a blog post. lucky, lucky you! hehe!

so here are some interesting things heard around my house today (the italicized parts indicate my internal dialogue/responses to my children's statements):

thomas (at 6:45 am, as we review for the religion final exam he has to take when he gets to school today) hands me a couple of index cards to quiz him on and i ask if this is all he has. he responds: no. there are more, but i didn't get to write them all down. i'll copy them off one of my friends when i get to school.

~ really?!?! and you'll study these when, exactly? bear in mind, this is catholic grade school...no free periods, no study halls, etc. just a teacher telling kids precisely what to do and when to do it. i'm guessing the cards never got studied.

jack has just pulled out his tooth and is now bleeding all over. after we rinse his mouth, get the tooth put aside for the tooth fairy, etc., he tells me: god! i never knew blood tasted like a sock! i respond: what?!?! he says: well. you know, like a sock smells.

~ looking at this in a glass-half-full type of way...i'm glad he never tasted a dirty sock. right?

my darling jack has been "full of it" today...i come down the stairs after my shower trying to rush everyone out to pick thomas up from school and jack tells me: mommy, you should have just seen this snot. i had a snot that felt kind of weird, so i got it out and it was HUGE!!! it was the biggest snot i ever saw. me: please stop. you are making me gag. where is this snot now? jack walks over to the living room wall and removes the aforementioned snot and says: i guess i shut throw it away, huh?

~ yes. yes you should throw it away. please.

dennis is playing with some webkinz and says he is going to be the "stripe-ed" tiger.

~ apparently, he's been watching "the hangover" when i'm not around.

jack, dennis, katie and cara are in the living room doing...whatever. cara asks who wants to play house with her. dennis asks jack: do you want to play house with the girls, jack? jack's response: sure! as long as i get to be the dog.

~ the dog. he wants to be the dog. that's all i got on that one.

ps - i've included some recent pictures so you have an idea of who the clowns that are saying this stuff are.

i have one word to say to you...

dear mc donalds employee that told my son he couldn't put his feet on the booth while he was sitting there and then proceeded to say something to me about it two more times while i had all five kids there with me but eventually gave up mentioning it after you had to go clean the men's room because someone had smoked crack in there,
i have one thing to say to you...

SERIOUSLY?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?

have a wretched day -

beth

ps - this is a true story. me + all five kiddies in mickey d's waiting for tommy to come in and have lunch with them because the boys had a half day of school. as i stood at the table, waiting for our food, another employee came out of the bathroom and said "damn! it stinks in there! someone musta been smoking crack." i naturally assume he was using the term as a figure of speech (as i do quite frequently. however, i did not know that smoking crack was really stinky), but alas, he wasn't. as the charming-yell-at-thomas employee walked past i heard her say "it's terrible. people think they can come in here to get high." then she made that sound like she was sucking her teeth. obviously, thomas sitting with his foot up was the biggest problem they had in there that day.

do they really belong to me?

so, i love my children's names but i know that they are not "fun" or hip or unique. they are good, traditional names that i love. even the two names that are my absolute favorites (you know the ones that when you were a silly little teenager planning your perfect wedding and your perfect future with your one perfect baby boy and one perfect baby girl and their perfect names) and that i think are really cool, are not in actually all that exciting (thanks to grandpop murray, pop speers and margaret mitchell). well, the girls have rebelled (shocking, i know) and have chosen new names for themselves.

meet...fifi and zsa zsa. for real.