as indicated in today's title, this is not my normal "haha, my kids are funny" kind of post. i am in the middle of a dilemma right now and i feel the need to get it off my chest. i am hoping that in putting everything in writing, i will be able to get a better grasp on the situation.
when jack was six months old (he was my most high maintenance infant, having what we called "jack attacks"), i had thomas at home, was babysitting my nephew and found out i was pregnant again. i spoke to my obgyn about the fact that my emotions were a little crazy (i mean no offense using the term, i do it all the time, sorry) and that i had little to no patience with thomas and my nephew. i felt bad that i snapped at them and yelled so often, but i couldn't seem to stop myself. my midwife prescribed zoloft for me. i really liked it, as i did not feel like a zombie and i was way better able to deal with what was going on in my life.
i have been taking zoloft for over four years now regularly. i have missed a week or two here or there, but have kept up with it pretty steadily. considering that 15 months after jack was born, i gave birth to dennis, and 12 months and 3 weeks after dennis was born, i gave birth to katie and cara. it seemed like a good idea. at one point, i had a six year old here with me, and four children, ages two and under. i think that is a lot to deal with for anyone, but especially for someone with a history of depression in their family.
a few months ago, i realized my prescription was running out, and i started to take just one pill a day (i always took two before). i still felt the same. around 3 or 4 weeks ago, my prescription ran out completely and i had no refills (i always take it at night, so i kept forgetting to call my obgyn in the morning).
this week, i have noticed that i have had a headache for like four days now. not a migraine or anything, just an overall achiness. i have also noticed that when i have energy, i feel way more energetic than usual (i've been going to the gym, with the 4 youngest, who go to babysitting there); but also when i am tired, it is debilitating. i am much quicker to snap at the kids, but i also laugh harder at them and have more fun with them when we do things together. i am also having horrible issues with my self image right now. i am not at all happy with my appearance (or my hair, but there is not a whole lot i can do about that. i am thinking about looking into extensions, though), but i have been making way more effort to diet and get to the gym.
i am sort of feeling like everything was sort of numbed while i was on the zoloft. i never felt as bad about myself as i do now, but i was never through the roof thrilled, either. i feel that zoloft kept me on a very even keel. now i have to figure out if i want to continue with that or try to slog through it on my own. i am trying to figure out what is best for my children, a pretty even tempered, easy-going mom, or one who frequently laughs out loud, but yells just as much, too. i am also trying to figure out what is best for me. maybe if i continue to feel this bad about things, i will be more motivated to do something to improve the situation, which will make me happier in the long run. am i subjecting my children to a maniac in the meantime? i don't think it is a bad thing, by any means, to be an even tempered, easy-going person with five young children in the house. on the other hand, maybe with five young children in the house, i am supposed to feel like a crazy person.
i have a call in to my obgyn to talk to her about what i should do. hopefully, i will be able to come up with a situation that will help both my children and myself be happy. sorry for being so serious. thanks for sticking with me here.
as a reward, i will relate a funny story from dennis this weekend...we were driving to my grandparents house at the shore (about 2 hour drive) and were stopping at dunkin' donuts for coffee and munchkins. dennis (3 years old) said that he needed donuts. my husband tried to convince him to get munchkins (much better for the car ride), when dennis said "i need a donut. i'm a cop!" we have no idea where this came from. we never disparage police here because: a) their cops (and philly has been a really tough town to be a cop in recently) and b) my father is a retired philadelphia cop (who now works as an investigator for the state). tommy took dennis in to dd with him, and as they were coming out, two cops walked in. dennis yelled "look! it's cops!" i've included a picture of the little angel so you can get a visual of who was trash talking the philly pd.