Tuesday, April 28, 2009

new religion (possibly a little tmi and a little "risque")

i'm thinking of breaking off and starting my own little sect of catholicism. i was raised roman catholic (and i'm irish to boot...you're shocked when you read this and realize i have five children, i know). but, the older i get, i am seeing some inconsistencies in the teachings of the catholic church. i think in my religion, i will keep all the same rules and stuff (that would be A LOT of work to come up with all of that stuff, like commandments and what not), but i will spread the word about how i think god is.

my god is not the benevolent, all forgiving god. nor is he the stern god who is counting sins and passing down judgement. he is more of a...well, i don't know, kind of a regular guy, with a warped sense of humor and the power to act on it. the teachings in my religion would be more "do what he says, or you'll be sorry" than "thou shalt not..." or even, "if you're going to play, you're going to pay" type of philosophy.

for example, in catholic school, we are taught that sex before marriage is a HUGE sin (sex at all except for the purpose of procreation is a no-no). so, in my religion, instead of going to hell when you die, you wind up pregnant before you're married and then have to tell your parents and aunts and uncles and meet your boyfriend's family as "the pregnant girlfriend." none of which is much fun, trust me. so, now you are married and you have sex, just for the sake of sex (not procreation, in fact you even try to prevent pregnancy). haha, got you...you will have 4 babies in two years. (at this point, i do have to admit that sometimes i think children are WAY too extreme a punishment just for having sex).

this was all brought home quite clearly for me this weekend. one of my cousins got married. my husband was the dj at the wedding (my husband was also the dj at the bar that i worked at 10 years ago. that's how he wound up as my husband). i think it is safe to say that everyone at the wedding had a great time. i, in particular, had a really great time as i was feeling a little nostalgic about being somewhere that tommy was dj'ing and my sister and i were there with no children. i also thought it would be a good idea to drink slightly more heavily than i would on any other saturday evening. my god's response to this...a communion party for thomas' classmate. i knew about this ahead of time. i was fully prepared for it (everyone's clothes were laid out...the boys outfits were ironed). however, when we started to get ready for the party (in our house with the broken air conditioner on a 90+ degree day), the girls LOST IT. freakin' flipped out. took off shoes and socks, cried hysterically, ripped the bows out of their hair, pulled at their dresses and untied their sashes...LOST IT. was this really necessary? i was going to the party (late, but we were going!). i even went to mass, WITH all three boys. shouldn't that have cancelled out some of my partying from the night before? so i left them home with a babysitter (thanks, liz!) and put them to bed. apparently, this did not please my god, because i found myself paying for my actions again later. when we got home from the party, the little darlings were well rested and sweet as pie. around 9:30 when i was falling asleep (i was so tired i did not even attempt to watch "the tudors"), the girls decided to rebel...again. by 11:30, i gave up on the bedroom and took the girls downstairs where they could watch tv until they fell asleep and i could lay on the couch. what time did they finally fall asleep? 2:30 am. for real. the lesson i have learned from all of this? no partying (literally) like it is 1999 (thomas was born in january 2000. my rockstar days ended in 1999). and don't take the easy route out and leave kids home. my god is having none of that. i'm pretty sure he is up there having a good chuckle at me, though.


  1. LOL at "i think children are WAY too extreme a punishment just for having sex." Well said!

  2. Thanks for your comment! :) Your kiddos are sooo cute, even if they drive you a little bit nuts. ;) Glad to "meet" you. :) :)

  3. Oh boy. What is with girls staying up so late? My daughter is the reason there is no sex in our house. (Too much?) Yikes. Anyway, I like that I am not the only one mourning the loss of my "party days" youth. It is really is mourning.

  4. Where do I sign up for your new form of Catholicsm? I'm in!

    The trick to maintaining rock star party status is to start fairly early and be sure to be in bed by midnight! Works like a charm...trust me!